Plan D is still in implementation. For that last few months since I began subscribing to the HandinHandParenting list serve and thus been infected with its messy Staylistening techniques, whenever Gigi is out of control and the anger is beginning to brim over into violence, I encircle her with my arms and say calmly, "I won't let you hurt me or yourself. And I wont leave you. You are ok." It seems to ramp up the tantrum to a heady ecstasy of rage but at least I feel like I'm doing something. And I'm sending a physical message of security into the fogged reptile brain she is inhabiting (see Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn for more on brain chemistry during conflict).
Plan B was start taking everything out of her room. We're talking Super Nanny style. Brocky (my husband) loved it because it was concrete and immediately made him feel back in control of things. "Oh you hit Bear again. That's another doll put up high". Despite the power erection it provided, it did absolutely nothing to curb the behavior and frankly, it felt mean and disconnecting.
So just what is the next step is. This can go to either one of two very different places in the next few years. Option 1: In 4 years I laugh and wink at Lucy about the big emotional storms and crankiness that was her early childhood. I teach a parenting class where I wisely explain to a bunch of wide-eyed parents that, "The whole thing was just a maturity issue. She wasn't being purposely mean, she just hadn't developed the empathy to understand that others had feeling too. I just needed to replace my judgements of her with positive words (like Determined!, Curious! Justice-minded! Opinionated!).And frankly she was just one of those spirited children who would need to hear a limit 20 times before it meant something to her. She was within the normal range.
Or in 4 years we could be shuttling her from one psychiatrist to another as we try to protect our family's peace from the outbursts and anger and entitlement of our bi-polar, ADD, ODD (Oppositional defiant disorder - what a convenient diagnosis!) depressed daughter. Her academics an impossible dream because she refuses to take direction from others (A Leader!) or acknowledge that there are things she doesn't know yet (Confident!)
Can I just tell you what set the drama off tonight? She was wearing a ring of mine I hadn't seen for a while. "Have you been in my jewelry box. "No" she lied. "You gave it to me". Absent minded mommy believed her until I walked into my room later and saw all the cabinet drawers pulled open, hanging from the hinges like an interrupted burglary. (Note to Gigi: If you are gonna steal at least have the smarts to cover it up). When I calmly approached her about the a) Lying and b) Stealing, she began with "Well that's what I do. I'm bad". What a painful thing for a child to believe about herself. Or does she? Is it manipulation. She is so good at that.
When I tell her the ring needs to go back into my jewelry box along with other jewelry I see about the room, she start convulsing and crying, "It's because I have nothing and you have so much" as she gestured in panoramic detail to the spacious overstuffed pink and shiny room crammed with toys, art supplies, barbies and dress up clothes. I put my empathetic hat on (which unfortunately comes across as a weary ER doc who has been on call for 45 hours and does not care about your hangnail). I ad mitt that we are both tired and could talk about it later but she is on a roll, dragging a heavy mirror across the room, saying "this will be my jewelry box!!". "No" I said, "you may not have my jewelry until you are able to keep your things off the ground. And its not safe to put a mirror above your bed. Let's go night night Gigi". But she is off the races, screaming and trying to shut me out of her room. Hence the holding technique.
The worst part? Tomorrow, she wont be able to revisit this. I will calmly sit next to her and say, "Remember how mommy said we would need to talk about this when we were both calm?" And the gun in her mind will go off and she will start frantically coming up with anything to avoid the discussion. So again, I will pray tonight for a listening heart and for concentrated love and acceptance to pour from my half-empty heart into her already world weary body.
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